something i wrote awile ago that im sharing wtih someone who reads this

its not well written i think. but yeah. sally this what i wrote that we talked about last night:

Jul. 13th, 2008 | 06:30 pm

i'm not going to be one of those people that "grows up". to me its always been one of those things where once people accept adulthood they seem to lose a part of themselves that leaves them seem so defined or serious. i'm not saying all "adults" are like this. its just anything that anyone does that's considered mature or grown up lacks an open field of creativity. its always been something that scares me. that whole aspect of life where by a certain age you have to become a certain way in order for to be taken seriously or have things work out a certain way. it scares me and disgusts me. its something i've personally vowed to never become.
one thing is I've always said was: "i'm going to be a kid foreva!"...and the needle point of this realization is is that i really cant. i no longer have that wonderment and amazement that i had as a kid. i'm not as ignorant[the good sort of ignorant] i've learned and know tings now. i dont see things at all like i use too. the only thing that would make me a kid is my "childish" behavior. but the more i think or feel this i realize there's more to being a kid than behavior. it is the way you see or think about things. things look and feel or seem different.
so i act like a kid but i'm not a kid. im at the age of an adult but i'm in no way what one would usually consider an adult...where does that leave me? because lately i don't feel solid on anything and my view on how i should be or act has been greatly distorted. the closet thing you could say is "somewhere in the between of adulthood and childism"...but i'm really not. i feel like im just sort of chillin in this more unknown zone where i try to keep the ideals of a child strong in my head but act on my own accord that to some may just seem like an immature asshole with the tendency of seriousness. i don't even know how to end this. but all i know is im not an adult and not really a child and i would prefer people on both ends leave me alone on how i should be...

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my issue with reading poetry now n days is that it all feels shallow. not honest. people taking fancy words and placing them around in the idea of art. but less honest. it feels like their goal is the image of it. not what they're actually trying to say. trying to sound beautiful rather than try being what it actually is.
i might be completely fucking wrong but it's all a matter of perspective now aint it?

my theory on the birth of poetry

there was someone who was crazy and insane beyond belief.
while they wandered around aimlessly they spat out what at the time wouldve been a mass amount of nonsense.
but one day an artist heard the crazy person. was whoa'd by what he heard.
so he decided to try writing the same things he did. and copies the crazy person.

and from there. it kinda went its own way.
thats my theory.
i dont give no shit what any book tells me otherwise.

the thing about life's repetitive quirks is that it always ends the same or in similar ways.
the thing about myself is i usually try to tell those scenarios to go fuck it.
the thing about those scenarios is they don't listen at all.
the thing about that tho is i spose that could be full circle right?
or at least that's what i tell myself.


and the sadder thing. is how those quirks seem to scroll over onto people.
and near the end of whatever. the person tells you something about change.
then bam the circle starts over and same shit was done and it's never really
different cept for the time and date. and when has that ever fuckin mattered.