bitter lunch time scribbles

you tell yourself something you want to hear and it starts to feel like truth.
you talk about it a bit more than usual you start to doubt yourself.
then you never shut the fuck up about it. that's when you know you're full of shit.

i start to remember why i kept to myself so much. fake a smile to ride on out. new lessons every day right?

listening to people talk starts to feel like listening to a poorly scripted play. everything sounds dull and horribly acted. we all talk and act like we give a shit.
it's why i put headphones on any chance i get. fuck it. don't care about half the shit they say anyway. i'm probably an idiot to all of em but they're all boring idiots to me.

after realizing i'm not remembering half of my days and that the last 4 weeks felt like yesterday, i noticed that "my elders" were right in saying time fades quick.
the clock is already starting to feel like a ghost.
i'm not afraid.
just ignoring the inevitable.

my puppy woke me up. i feel groggy. i let her outside and sit with her. get dressed. go to work. start helping patients. i feel so groggy. i sit down. i close my eyes. someone is nudging me awake. i jolt up. i'm on the couch. my puppy is napping on my chest. i was dreaming. really confused. i'm seriously confused as fuck at this point.

certain aspects you've held dear for ages start to make things complicated when involving people you barely know. or it makes you think that way.
co workers feel more weird to me lately. my boss who i've known for ages is feeling weirder.
friends. family. certain people of certain interest.
it's something gnawing in my brain.
if i change shit to how i think it'd be too dramatic of a change for me in my head i think.
this is probably why i have a burning hole in my stomach.