ruff draff

i've never had the usual sort of problems people deal with. correction. i dont have what people think are problems to bitch about.
-i sat here. alone. looking out a window where a breeze took control of the clouds directions. i didn't feel right.-
my issues were spiritual conflicts. inner self. connections with the world. myself. how i saw things. what i felt were right.
-i heard birds chirping. i blared my music up higher and read a book. the words felt more powerful when the outside world had no effect on me.-
everything in my brain was cluttered. in my opinion felt more cluttered than the rest of the worlds clutter. simple things were strenuous mentally for me.
-pages werent blank. but they ended up so anyways. i toss aside the book. i step outside and let the breeze take me away with the clouds.-
i felt like i needed answers. i didnt want desires for answers. i killed my desire for structored beleifs. heading that way in life too.
-my music still blared. the street felt non existant thru my shoes. i could feel the heat tho. and the humidity in the wind. i felt like i was dying.-
everything else in life was starting to become unimportant. anything i didnt feel connected too felt like an illusion. my connections were running thin.
-i saw cars burst by. saw people walking the road. strangers in a single shell roaming to me what felt aimlessly. i wondered who they were. their stories they could tell.-
i felt more apathetic. my road felt paved but now was turning to gravel and dirt. i shifted in my thoughts more than what i think people normally did. i would never really know.
-minus the heat and wet air i think today is beautiful. it felt that way in the way a subtle breeze does. it wasnt like hitting a wall. life was just swirling around me and i loved it more for being unkown to me.-
i was more alone than i ever was. like sitting on a bus full of close friends slowly getting off their stops going their way. i felt like i existed alone. riding out this line.
-the wind carried me as far as it would. i stepped down and carried myself back to my house. my eyes adjusted to this shell of a home. it never felt sweet. just relaxing.-
i didn't care. my joys were coming in new colors i think. i am a child. young in thought. always will be. ill learn and destroy knowledge. i didn't have problems. i was lost.
being lost is fine. frustrating. but fine. im evolving. im a child. just searching for a smile.

old writing ruff draff

the ways of my past came up to me pretending to be perfected angels. i was sick of it. i spent my time ignoring it. but they crept in closer and closer touching the very energy of being inside me. i couldnt contain it some days. they were trying to convince me it was the way, the path to salvation.
"fuck that! ive burnt away the way, ive stampeded over it. ive destroyed salvation and found my own way. there is no way but where i step and create it with my own blistering feet!"
but ghost never go away. i could tell they wouldnt any time soon. so i searched for my demons so i could live like a free man. i searched for sages to feel the true balance. i searched for buddhas to find my own enlightment. i searched for mother earth to feel one with my roots. i talked to philosiphers, teachers, mentors, burnt their flame on a candle then licked it out.
"im escaping" i keep whispering to myself. im getting closer. but ghosts never go away. and i can still feel them gripping at my heart. so i keep on walking and walking. blazing trails as i go along. trying to step a little further ahead.
"am i getting there?" i keep asking myself "am i really getting there?"
in closey behind my ear i hear a faint whipser "no..."...and then there was silence.

why i enjoy being drunk so much...

if my thoughts were many different colors of paint.
take the paint and dab many dots all around a blank surface that would be my brain.
cover it in a chaotic mess overlapping and cluttering everything.
then take a brush which would be the alcohol and swirl and swish all the paint.
into one blurry slick mess.
thats why.

Espy was sitting in a cold but fancy, hotel room in san antonio. he felt like shit and wanted to have a glass of wine or some sort of liquor in his drink. he was watching his co workers, who were sitting not even 10 feet from him, giggling and laughing at gay porn on the internet. they whispered about it secretly while glancing at him to make sure he dint know what was going on.
Espy was feeling very annoyed by this. he knew they were doing it cause of his age. he was 20. the youngest of the bunch. this whole day with them has been nothing but stale sex jokes. he also found this annoying. he felt the best way to respond to this was to be silent and keep his eyes on other things. he was sure because of this his co workers disliked his company and were wondering why the hell he was there with them at all in the first place. espy was never this silent, they didn't know why other than he just was.
"i didnt come here to make friends with them," he thought to himself, "just another stab at another new city."
espy wanted a smoke. he was about to go outside to bum one. his co workers found him disgusting for wanting to smoke. but he didnt care. he just wanted to drink, smoke, and wander this city. he wasn't there to make friends. not when a city was to be watched.