[attempted poetry]

i traced my hand on a sheet of paper. in return i was given a thinly, lined bird.
it's flaps sounded like paper cuts. it flew around like a paper plane with a more planed direction.
soon it left. to see the world. but burned under harsh beams of the sun.
i walked outside and could feel it's weight. like standing under a crashing building.
i took a sip of tea. stared off in the bare distance and could see rain clouds screaming.
even the couds collapsed here. steady we go.

conversational realizations

RachelHarx (2:16:41 PM): Have you ever had a day where you sat down and really thought about your friendships and whether they were really worth it or not?

dieforpeace (2:18:42 PM): all the time

RachelHarx (2:19:20 PM): Whats your general conclusion?

dieforpeace (2:19:25 PM): a shrug

RachelHarx (2:19:50 PM): That doesn't seem very conclusive at all.

dieforpeace (2:20:08 PM): nope

dieforpeace (2:20:12 PM): im not a conclusive person

dieforpeace (2:20:15 PM): i never get clarity i want

dieforpeace (2:20:18 PM): im always confused

dieforpeace (2:20:23 PM): and always thinking on a subject

dieforpeace (2:20:28 PM): i usually wait it out and see what happens

RachelHarx (2:20:46 PM): Doesn't that just make you the slightest bit miserable?

dieforpeace (2:21:21 PM): very much so

dieforpeace (2:21:23 PM): and i deal with it

dieforpeace (2:21:24 PM): and wait it out

RachelHarx (2:22:14 PM): Does it ever make you feel any better in the long run?

dieforpeace (2:22:22 PM): nope

dieforpeace (2:22:28 PM): i try to not care about the long run

dieforpeace (2:22:35 PM): and just see what happens in the next few hours

RachelHarx (2:23:01 PM): Are you ever really happy?

dieforpeace (2:23:33 PM): sometimes i'm not miserable having fun and laughing and smiling

dieforpeace (2:23:39 PM): i dunno if ive ever been really happy

dieforpeace (2:23:47 PM): i just get my moments of zen and joy

RachelHarx (2:24:14 PM): Are they worth all the waiting?

dieforpeace (2:25:04 PM): a good time is always worth the wait

a book came up to me one evening and asked me what i thought poetry was.
"tis the jabbering of crazy bitter romantics i think. "
"oh" he sighed. "the crazy part must be true cause your talking to a book"
"that must be very true"
then a recruiter for a freak show walked by and saw the book grabbed it and made it become one of its many performers. next to scaled children and bearded ladies.
"hm...maybenot that crazy" i thought.

i was killing a bum jug of wine one night.
the bottle was slightly upset that i was sucking down it's insides.
to enact revenge he popped my head open and drank my contents.
it wasn't cool.
but i was drunk. so i took a nap and slept peacefully.

the brutal alley cat

an alley cat sat next to me
i knew this alley cat

"where have you been?"
i asked it

"around" he slyed out

in a quick meow it poofed away
and the walls i called my imangination tumbled.
i stood in a chaotic mess.
i knew what was wrong.
but couldnt really get around to fixing it
or putting it back into a sort of an order.

"damn"
i thought

"that was one brutal alley cat"

bitter lunch time scribbles

you tell yourself something you want to hear and it starts to feel like truth.
you talk about it a bit more than usual you start to doubt yourself.
then you never shut the fuck up about it. that's when you know you're full of shit.

i start to remember why i kept to myself so much. fake a smile to ride on out. new lessons every day right?

listening to people talk starts to feel like listening to a poorly scripted play. everything sounds dull and horribly acted. we all talk and act like we give a shit.
it's why i put headphones on any chance i get. fuck it. don't care about half the shit they say anyway. i'm probably an idiot to all of em but they're all boring idiots to me.

after realizing i'm not remembering half of my days and that the last 4 weeks felt like yesterday, i noticed that "my elders" were right in saying time fades quick.
the clock is already starting to feel like a ghost.
i'm not afraid.
just ignoring the inevitable.

my puppy woke me up. i feel groggy. i let her outside and sit with her. get dressed. go to work. start helping patients. i feel so groggy. i sit down. i close my eyes. someone is nudging me awake. i jolt up. i'm on the couch. my puppy is napping on my chest. i was dreaming. really confused. i'm seriously confused as fuck at this point.

certain aspects you've held dear for ages start to make things complicated when involving people you barely know. or it makes you think that way.
co workers feel more weird to me lately. my boss who i've known for ages is feeling weirder.
friends. family. certain people of certain interest.
it's something gnawing in my brain.
if i change shit to how i think it'd be too dramatic of a change for me in my head i think.
this is probably why i have a burning hole in my stomach.

whenever i do something that involves being in groups, teams, or anything of the sort.
never felt as if i should actually be there. and for being there i am wrong.
it's probably how i view the situation. but i feel different. or that i am different and i should be somewhere else. no crews, no families, less friends, no schools, no jobs, no licenses or clubs or cards, no teams no nothing.
just an island.


desires you cant hold or obtain become unhealthy. kill the feeling inside your chest. become a stone. quiet. still. forget faith. the world around you pretends to have their desires fulfilled.
you try to be honest with yourself. you just try to not care anymore. no point is being sad in not having the thing you want in your hands. but you see what you want. smell what you want. find yourself thinking about what you want. and you just feel alone. you want to kill your senses. breathe irregularly and just forget it. you tell yourself you know the lesson.
but to feel that is another story.

but a trail of saliva wipes the words away and makes them verbal graffiti.
to some not art. to some something meaningful. to some nothing at all.

my main issues with people i've known has been trying to understand their intentions.
i wish i could read minds or read people to a high degree so i could understand better than what i do now.
i also sometimes imagine talking or asking a zen master/Taoist about things i ponder in life.
and i'm pretty positive if i asked about knowing and reading people's intentions they'd tell me its not something to waste time thinking about and just go with it.
and that i'd learn soon enough.
then i stop caring for a bit and live like that.

my thoughts feel pure till i spit em out.